24

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24: Jack Bauer
I’m an avid fan of the television series 24. Maybe too much so. Season 3 was airing, and I hadn’t watched season 2 (I was introduced to the series late). I headed to my local BlockBuster Video store, and got the first disc, 4 episodes, just shy of 4 hours (not including extra features, but with the “extended scenes” turned on).

My wife and I watched the first disc that night. All four hours. The next day I headed back and returned the movie, and got disc 2. Again that night we watched all four hours. Sleep deprived, the next day… well, you get the picture.

This pattern continued until the last disc of the episodes: my local BlockBuster didn’t have it. It was 30 minutes to closing time. I looked the manager in the eyes and said, “I have a wife at home, frantic to see how this thing is going to end. Pick up that phone and start calling every BlockBuster in the area. Use expanding concentric circles. I can’t go home withou that disc!” In restrospect, I’m surprised they didn’t call the police. Perhaps the manger was as into the series as we are.

So, with another episode airing tonight, I thought I’d re-post this list all about Jack Bauer (edited somewhat for my audience):

  • Jack Bauer once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the TV until the game beat itself.
  • When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
  • If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
  • Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are lame.
  • Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.
  • If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef, then it’s beef.
  • Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
  • Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
  • Jack Bauer’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • Jack Bauer once ate an entire case of sleeping pills. He blinked, but they’re not certain that it had any relation to the pills.
  • What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
  • Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
  • You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
  • Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
  • When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
  • When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
  • Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
  • In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
  • When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase “The pen is mightier than the sword.”
  • People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
  • Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
  • If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
  • Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
  • Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
  • If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
  • ESPN rated Kobe Bryant for Vlade Divac as the second worst trade in history, after Jack Bauer for Behrooz Araz.
  • Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
  • If Jack was in a room with Stalin, Hitler and Nina and had two bullets, he would shoot Nina twice.
  • Jack Bauer and Superman once had an arm wrestling match; the loser had to wear their underwear on the outside.

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