This Year's Predictions (humor)

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You forgot on major one… by the end of the year, Microsoft will be split into 82 companies loosly split at the “department” level, with dozens of others discontinued entirely.

Ironically, this will come on the heals of the final FINAL final (3rd time’s the charm) settlement with the government and the states, AFTER all parties have decided NOT to split goliath. Rather, Bill Gates will be killed, supposidly by a member of his staff who just can’t handle proprietary software anymore. It’ll be rumored that s/he’s a member of the Linux Liberation Front, but they’ll disavow any knowledge of him/her.

Internal bickering and “king of the hill” syndrome will prevail until each business unit manager will try to extracate him/herself from the company as a show of force. This will backfire.

The new conglomerate of allied business units will be called the Union of Gates’ Last Year (U.G.L.Y.) and will be headed by Microsoft’s former Bluetooth SIG leadership.

SCO will claim ownership of the acronym U.G.L.Y. but won’t show any proof of prior ownership except to a judge and council and demand licencing fees from anyone who uses the new U.G.L.Y. software, or any software for which a derivitate to the current conglomeration can be found (including, but not limited to all former Microsoft products including MS-DOS and Q-BASIC).

Linus Torvalds will finally get fed up with SCO and purchase them with “some money that he fell into” but then will be detained indefinately by the Department of Homeland Security for having “a name that sounds too un-American” and “speaking with an offensive accent.”

The ACLU will call all it’s leaders, lawyers, members, and supporters together in a unified show of force against the Department of Homeland Security in Bethesda, MD. Acting on “substantial and credible information” regarding the whereabouts of Osma Bin Ladin, a military strike will not only wipe out the entire organization, but even DNA and dental records will be impossible to use for identifying the “remains” (if they can be called that).

On that news the American populus will call for the resignation of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals and 3 of the Supreme Court Justices. When they refuse a national shortage of pitchforks and torches will help spur the waning production sector of the American Economy. The Judges step down weeks later, never to be heard from again. (Although rumor has it they all fled to France.)

The US will ask for its removal from the United Nations, which will not allow the departure. On another tip about the whereabouts of Osama Bin Ladin, the US military will strike the UN Headquarters, destroying it and all occupants. The only remains to be identified come from Jaques Sheraks (sp) office, one is Jaques, the other is Bin Ladin. Papers are also found in a fire-proof safe which implicate the United Nations in all the terroristic activity perpetrated against the free world in the last decade.

The world, with the exception of France and Germany, offer their apologies to the United States. They, as a token of appreciation, overthrow France and Germany, and give them back to the newly reforged Russia (now based upon a constitutional republic democracy).

No longer needed, the Patriot Act and the Department of Homeland Security will sunset and freedom and peace will reign.

In November, Christ will come again, fullfilling Christian prophesy, upon seeing everything that’s happened and finding no traces of Armegeddon, He’ll simply state “looks like you’ve got things under control here, I’ll be in Tahiti if anyone needs me.”

Unfortunately, due to a rounding error, the “Y2K bug” will manefest itself at 11:58 GMT and the world will inexplicably cease rotation, then reverse. When the catastrophic events clear, an expidition to the center of the earth will reveal a little old man with a Commodore 64 that hadn’t been patched hooked up to a large gyroscopic mechanism. His only quote: “I didn’t get the memo.”

Christ will return from his holiday in Tahiti to help all the people of the Earth, thus fulfilling Jewish prophecy.

Triage will last roughly 1000 years, but, oddly, no plague, pestilance, or death will be found. This, suspectedly, due to the reversed rotation of the earth. When questioned, the little old man at the center of the earth will be quoted as saying “I didn’t get the memo.”

Peace and plenty abound… and they all lived happily ever after…

Until one remaining ACLU laywer was found alive, having suffered from amnesia. Once the cloud of forgetfulness is lifted from his/her mind, s/he goes straight to work trying to destroy the new found peace.

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