I read it on the Internet, it MUST be true!

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The following are copies of newspaper clippings that were emailed to me. The email assured me that they were all found in actual newspapers, but didn’t mention which ones.

Whether true or not, they’re good for a laugh.

  • clip_image001 Half price requires less math than figuring out percentages.
  • clip_image002 That’s what she said.
  • clip_image003 I’d have thought teen pregnancy would drop-off significantly after age 19.
  • clip_image004 I don’t know what’s worse: that someone didn’t know what a millionaire was, that a branch manager at an investment back gave such a flawed response, or that the paper actually went through the process of asking someone then printing the response.
  • clip_image005 The editor who let this one though is now flipping burgers for a living.
  • clip_image006 Other than not being very “PC”, what’s wrong with that? I call the police every time my mail is delivered, too.
  • clip_image007 Now that’s some good cammo!
  • clip_image008 It’s not like that lady who tried to buy food at Wal-Mart with $50 Gold Eagles, and was told to go to the bank and “change them for real money”. What’s worse, the bank did “make change” for them, offering her face value for the coins. Who cares that they were worth just south of $1,000 each. That really happened in St. George, Utah.
  • clip_image009 She also has a warrant out for the Easter Bunny for skipping her house last spring.
  • clip_image010 Wow. And we pay these people?
  • clip_image011 It was only a matter of time.
  • clip_image012 “Prostitution” versus “failure to stop at a railroad crossing”, they’re pretty much the same.
  • clip_image013 For $250,000 Lane County can hire me to figure out where their funds are going.
  • clip_image014 Oh! I thought “mausoleum” was Italian for “lawn shed”.
  • clip_image015 Sometimes I’m extra proud to live in Utah.
  • clip_image016 File this one right up there with “Fish need water”.
  • clip_image017 He must be a plumber.
  • clip_image018 I’ve seen those movies, where mirrors are actually portals to Hell. Freaky! He needed to have called a Priest though, not the Police.
    clip_image019
  • clip_image020 And? What did the police say? Come on, we all want to know the answer to this one!
  • clip_image021 Other words that you shouldn’t use for names: Fire, Rape, Police, Shootim, Pursesnatcher, and Carthief, to name a few.
  • clip_image022 The card-board cutout was ordered removed, but don’t worry, he’ll be back.
  • clip_image023 It’s not the dog’s fault, they grew up in the projects and it’s society that’s to blame. Under ObamaCare, the duck would have had to pay a fee to reject medical treatment.
  • clip_image024 He figured she went for groceries.
  • clip_image025 Criminals aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed.
  • clip_image026 Yup, smells like urine, just like all the ones in that fancy mattress store downtown.
  • clip_image027 That dude’s going to make some serious change! Old people are a dime a dozen, but once you’ve got a bona fide collection, well, that’s something special!
  • clip_image028clip_image029 Please note, he said weapons, that’s plural, not just one. Extra ammo is also advised.
  • clip_image030 Chances are it wasn’t used all that much, either.
  • clip_image031 He just wanted everyone to know that he has it, and that it’s worth almost five grand.
  • clip_image032 Awesome! I Aunt Grady needs one of those. I’d buy it just to put it in my front yard and see how many people freak out.

Now it’s your turn! Send me clippings of funny things you find in the paper!

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