The following are copies of newspaper clippings that were emailed to me. The email assured me that they were all found in actual newspapers, but didn’t mention which ones.
Whether true or not, they’re good for a laugh.
Half price requires less math than figuring out percentages.
That’s what she said.
I’d have thought teen pregnancy would drop-off significantly after age 19.
I don’t know what’s worse: that someone didn’t know what a millionaire was, that a branch manager at an investment back gave such a flawed response, or that the paper actually went through the process of asking someone then printing the response.
The editor who let this one though is now flipping burgers for a living.
Other than not being very “PC”, what’s wrong with that? I call the police every time my mail is delivered, too.
Now that’s some good cammo!
It’s not like that lady who tried to buy food at Wal-Mart with $50 Gold Eagles, and was told to go to the bank and “change them for real money”. What’s worse, the bank did “make change” for them, offering her face value for the coins. Who cares that they were worth just south of $1,000 each. That really happened in St. George, Utah.
She also has a warrant out for the Easter Bunny for skipping her house last spring.
Wow. And we pay these people?
It was only a matter of time.
“Prostitution” versus “failure to stop at a railroad crossing”, they’re pretty much the same.
For $250,000 Lane County can hire me to figure out where their funds are going.
Oh! I thought “mausoleum” was Italian for “lawn shed”.
Sometimes I’m extra proud to live in Utah.
File this one right up there with “Fish need water”.
He must be a plumber.
I’ve seen those movies, where mirrors are actually portals to Hell. Freaky! He needed to have called a Priest though, not the Police. 
And? What did the police say? Come on, we all want to know the answer to this one!
Other words that you shouldn’t use for names: Fire, Rape, Police, Shootim, Pursesnatcher, and Carthief, to name a few.
The card-board cutout was ordered removed, but don’t worry, he’ll be back.
It’s not the dog’s fault, they grew up in the projects and it’s society that’s to blame. Under ObamaCare, the duck would have had to pay a fee to reject medical treatment.
He figured she went for groceries.
Criminals aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed.
Yup, smells like urine, just like all the ones in that fancy mattress store downtown.
That dude’s going to make some serious change! Old people are a dime a dozen, but once you’ve got a bona fide collection, well, that’s something special!
Please note, he said weapons, that’s plural, not just one. Extra ammo is also advised.
Chances are it wasn’t used all that much, either.
He just wanted everyone to know that he has it, and that it’s worth almost five grand.
Awesome! I Aunt Grady needs one of those. I’d buy it just to put it in my front yard and see how many people freak out.
Now it’s your turn! Send me clippings of funny things you find in the paper!
