Joe Levi:
a cross-discipline, multi-dimensional problem solver who thinks outside the box – but within reality™

Defective Offspring Letter

My friend Matt Burningham penned this letter, never intending to send it, to the ObGyn that delivered his children. Calling it funny would be an understatement.

TO: Dr. Meek (OBGYN)
FROM: Lord Snarffingham
RE: Warranty Service Repair
UNITS: 4515752 / 4515583

RE: Warranty Service Repair

Dear Dr. Meek,

I am writing to you in regards to the Alex and Enya units that you delivered to me on June 19, 1993 and November 4th, 1996 respectively. The units in question have been malfunctioning in multiple areas of operation and I would like to schedule a time that I may return them to you for warranty service repair.

I will enumerate the malfunctions below:

  • The mute feature appears to be damaged or missing. In fact, the audio output volume control has been stuck on high ever since the unit’s speech synthesizers started operating. This is especially apparent late at night when the units’ suspend feature malfunctions (I will go into greater detail later).
  • The voice command recognition module does not operate as anticipated. Upon giving commands or instructions, the audio output module returns a response of “No” during roughly %85 of these interactions. Increasing the volume of my voice commands is ineffective.
  • Hardware compatibility is often a problem as the units will not interact with various items of hardware that I already own. The Enya unit will not interface with the ‘toilet’ module as described in the brochure. Thus I am required to continue using the ‘diaper’ hardware patch which is expensive, time consuming, and generally unpleasant not to mention that lately the unit seems to have an aversion to having the patch applied. Additionally, the Alex unit will not interface with the ‘dinner’ updates but instead opts for the poorly coded ‘cereal’ or ‘popsicle’ options.
  • The expensive hardware options that we purchased at Christmas to interface with our units have been completely destroyed by the units. They have requested more of these expensive hardware options.
  • The suspend and recharge feature is twitchy at best and I would like to be able to set the units to automatically switch to suspend mode at 8:00PM. Instead, the units will suspend and recharge at random, often in the early evening leaving them charged and active late into the night.
  • When interacting with other units not owned by me, my units tend to download undesirable behavioral programming which also affects their voice command recognition and audio output levels. Occasionally, one of my units will try to engage in an input/output interface with the ‘teeth’ upgrades that they received earlier on. This leads to unpleasant high decibel alarms from the receiving unit who did not want to the interface in the first place.
  • The affection and loyalty features appear to be working properly and have been about the only thing that has kept me from throwing them in the trash or returning them for a full refund.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience so that I may have the units repaired. Only now do I understand my parent’s words, “I hope you have a unit that malfunctions exactly like you do.”

Lord Snarffingham
Parental Unit

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3 Responses

  1. FatMan says:

    Nice 🙂

  2. Eric says:

    Nice 🙂

  3. Jack says:

    I don’t think that

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